Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Aren't We Tired of Faking it Until We Make It?

I mean, seriously ... I know you're supposed to learn through experimentation and making mistakes but there is a point that if you're not picking it up then it's time to take a deep breath and realize that maybe this isn't what I should be doing ... consider it, think about a plan b thru z ... just because you want something really bad you still need the skills to do the work.  
It's hard to accept I'm sure, believe it or not I've had to accept such truths about myself too ... alas I was never going to make it as a professional beach volleyball player. I mean all that time in the sun wasn't good for my skin ... so you see I have had to face some pretty seriously hard to deal with things so,you know, Go on ... you can do it too. 
Stand up, clean the orange dusting of cheetos from your lips and say with pride, I am NOT a model, I just wanted to see how many people wanted to shoot me naked, even though I wouldn't let them ... or at least, not all of them (nod to Lojo).


If you answer yes to most or any of these questions you probably aren't a model.

1. Do you lie about your height ... because you have to?
2a. Do you have lots of pictures in your portfolio that are from the same shoot?
2b. Is one of them a picture of you in a denim jumpsuit or overalls?
3. Do you lie about your age ... because you have to?
4a. Do you have pictures in your portfolio more than 10 years old?
4b. And you were 21 in them?
5. Do you have a HUGE ass? ... you might not be a model but, give me your number ;) I kidding I kidding 
6. Do you lie about your weight ... because you have to?
7a. Do you have a tough time fitting into the samples?
7b. or finding clothes that fit?
8. Do you become ridiculously shy and stiff when shooting begins?
9. Is your best "look": SLUT? again, you might not be a model but... :P again I kidding I kidding
10. Your best picture is the one your friend took of you at Disney world and you just love your hair in the picture?

If you have answered "YES" to any of the above, you may in fact, NOT be a model ... but there is hope for you yet, think about taking that position at register 4 at the wal-mart on route 4 ... you know the one, just past the John Deere service center and the dairy queen, who knows you just might make manager and you know what? When they come to take your picture to place on the wall over the front entrance ... you can tell them that you used to be a model (sort of)!!!


Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Comment Whores on Model Mayhem

So to the rare few that grace me with their eyeballs I come with a part deux to my underground sensation - The Truths about Models and ModelMayhem, I bring you "Comment Whores" ... it's a very short story about a group of people so obsessed with being lauded with praise that they have lost all semblance of tact and reason.
Let's take a closer look at what the genetic makeup is of these all-to-common animal.

Before we get into the DNA, we must first understand what a "comment" is. On Model Mayhem a comment is an opportunity to say something about a picture posted by someone on Model Mayhem (photographer, model, mua, hair stylist, wardrobe, retoucher, etc). Apparently we are not allowed to leave truly constructive criticism as we would not want to damage the already paper thin egos of the community at large. 

This is amusing mostly because of all the industries where there is just blatant mental brutality, the modeling industry is by far the worst. But, whoa hold your horses, this is the kinder, gentler model universe ... we only look for the good in people ... [choke], [cough]
Let's be clear there are far too many people on Model Mayhem that have no right to be there ... they shouldn't be photographers or models or makeup artists ... they basically look at Model Mayhem as a social network like they look at Facebook and MySpace and they figure hey maybe I'll bag a model or hey, maybe I'll get a photographer to take my pictures and then make me not look like me ... mix these folks up with wanna be models, almost models, models that aren't really tall enough models, etc (I'll post a separate blog about the various depths of the model pool) and what you get is an environment where most everyone is looking to GET IT ON in the ego stroking department, thus enter-ith the comment.

Now don't get me wrong, who doesn't like to hear nice things about their work ... to hear their peers appreciation for a job well done ... and perhaps maybe we all may... to some degree want to hear the praise ... but a comment whore, like a crack addict can't wait for people to respond spontaneously based upon how the image actually makes them feel ... no, the comment whore will beg, barter, bully, boast to no end in order to increase the number of comments that their pictures have ... common solicitations are; "I have new pics, comment my new pictures and I'll comment 2 of yours", "Please Please Please comment on my pictures ... their so lonely with out them", "Comment on my pictures and I'll give you a blow job!" ...ok I made the last one up though I'm certain there is more than one or two folks out there that would be willing to do so ... and if you're reading this and are one of those people ... call me!
What these CWs fail to understand or grasp is that comments mean NOTHING are worth NOTHING and most importantly, the microscopic rush that one may get from the praise of a stranger becomes completely bogus if it is asked for ... a parallel would be asking someone to tell you that they love you ... how does their bequeathing their love for you mean anything if you asked them to say it ... it wasn't given of free will ... it was given on request, no different than a beggar asking for a quarter ... actually the beggar has a step up on the CW mainly because they NEED money to live.

What irks me even more is the lameness of the comments in general ... "You're gorgeous", "You're so Hot", "Wow are those real???", "If my plane splashes down in the middle of the ocean I hope you're there so I can use your boobs as my life raft" ... basically comments have been reduced to really really bad pick up lines ... and much like really really bad pick up lines, they don't work ... though if you're reading this and they do ... call me! The funniest part is that most of the CWs who solicit for comments would be appalled if such comments were made to their face, yet within the "safe" walls of Model Mayhem they are coveted, collected, and fawned over ... like somewhere in their mind they have set comment goal for their pictures before they can truly know whether or not they like the picture ... funnier still, they are reluctant to delete any picture that has a ton of comments on it as they don't wish to start over ... how crazy is that ... so some model has a picture from 3 years ago, she's had a baby, changed her hair color, moved to brazil and has 30 newer images she could post, but because that one picture she has, has 174 comments on it. le sigh.

So please please if any of you 3 people that read this blog (that means you too mom) have habits that resemble anything that I've outlined here ... I'm sorry to inform you that you are a comment whore. There may be hope for you but change starts from within ... love your photos because you love them, not because someone left you a comment saying that they would sleep with you in a minute or that you have the best breasts on model mayhem ... these statements may all be true but honestly do you really want that?

If you are a comment whore and you are desperately reaching out for help, please go to www.modelmayhem.com/lojo and leave me 3 comments on every picture at which point I will feel inclined to contact you to help :D